Changing Minds

Are we not supposed to change our minds about the things we once said, about the things we once decided we did not like. When we mature and reach the caviar eating age, are we not supposed to change our minds-view about it from when we were 15 years old? Does the same mentality stay with us always or do we evolve. Of course we evolve and change. That is fundamentally what we are- ‘changers’. Our constant flux of energy is shifted in the dynamics of change. Those who lack the ability to remain consistent are those who are the most authentic, given that their change-shifts are of growth and development- which, even if not apparent at the time, most situations are about growth and evolving experimentation.
Then why do some people find so suspicious and negative when someone changes their mind about something they had once denied. Is it because for them they cannot comprehend the evolution and transformation, because they themselves do not change and evolve and cannot thus relate. When I was younger I climbed trees and believed they had hearts and were giants. I believed trees could protect and care. As I grew I realised that those ideologies and notions were childlike. Now as an adult I recognise that trees have those qualities, but not as I had imagined when I was 10. The tree does not physically have a heart and the ability to fight off the evil and bad in the world. I changed in the way I saw it.
When we first meet someone at a party, at a graduation ceremony, at a family dinner or on any other occasion, though the first impression is the one that seems to last, is it the truth of that person? How do we judge the change that may be in them in that moment as a result of the unknown event which had occurred 5 minutes prior to meeting them? How can we know how they feel in that instant in which we encounter them? So is a first impression the truth at all? Well, yes, in that moment it is, but it is also true to note that it does not define that person as ‘who they are’. One moment is not who we are, many moments may in fact not be who we are. We are who we are when you give the space for who ‘we are’ to shine through. The egotistical self, the fearful cover of criticism and judgement is not the truth of that Being- of any Being. Ask yourself when meeting someone for the first time- do you want who they would like you to think they are, or do you want who they really are as themselves? Is it not worth giving them the benefit of OUR or YOUR doubt, to reveal that though they are change agents and the first encounter may have been bumpy, that in fact they are the types of people much like our inner selves. Is it that which scares us, or astounds us, or makes us jealous and in this way, repulses us. In that instant, in that first impression, it should be your own reaction that astounds and insults you, not any lacking in the other person whom you have no idea about. Because they are not who you think they are. They too are given a first impression of you. In their apparent negative impression upon you, one must wonder what negative energy you gave them from yourself, or what mirror reflection they are giving of your true self. It is true that there are exceptions to all things.
As a small girl I sat under a tree and cried for the swing which had just broken. I was riding upon it with much excitement, dreaming about wonderful people and a safe place and the rope snapped. I plummeted to the ground, with the swing plank hitting me across the head. I cried because I was sad that my escape of the world was broken. I cried for what it meant. What it meant to me was something which existed in my head. That means it was only a thought. I realised, in the simple mind of a child, that it didn’t matter that the swing broke at all, what was the problem was what it meant to me. And if I was the creator of what it meant, that meant I could create meaning in something else to give me as much joy. And so it would always be. As a child in a hurting world it was a great escape, a great world of dreams in which I existed. As an adult I recognise the fundamental issues related to this. A similar notion would be believing that ‘being with someone would make me happy’ or ‘having all that money would make me happy’ or ‘travelling the world will make me happy’. These do not exist as truths. These are ideas created in the head. Happiness is beyond what exists in our head. Truly liking someone because of who they are is beyond the first or second impression, beyond what we thought. My swing has crashed on me many times, every time I have to change deeper than just the meaning of that swing. I have to grow. And I have to let go. I have to be consistent. I have to be disliked and judged. And I have to not care about any of it.
So, we never have to stick to what we initially said once when we were unsure about the clouds above us, or in a time when things were so blinding and scary. We are entitled to change our minds as we grow, as we journey and as we encounter new, fresh waters. The vision we had of something or someone may shift in time, because that thing or person shifts in t time. And time itself is something that so often exists in the head. We must recognise within ourselves the importance and freedom of acceptance. In the acceptance, we create the space in which we see and feel the happiness. Appreciating the awareness in others as well as ourselves is the most refreshing, growing opportunity there is. Our own fears and misconceptions, our own labels and habits cause us to believe certain things. To ‘believe’ tends towards remaining fixed, allowing no room for flexibility and thus no room for change and growth. The girl who disliked mushrooms has grown into a woman who now appreciates them with the right combinations of food. The man, who believed he wanted to fight fires as a boy, grew into a man who decided he rather wanted to paint for the rest of his life. Only later to realise that he truly loves writing and would rather do that. The fact that people can be utterly honest with themselves, no matter how humiliating in the eyes of others, no matter how confusing for themselves, the truth in their moment is what matters. And beyond that, no thing or decision makes you less of who you truly are. First, even second impressions, cannot see that.
The man who works hard every day to send his kids to school and give them a good education is something people use to define the person as ‘good’ or ‘honourable’ or ‘loving’. When behind the quietest, closed doors he sexually assaults his 16 year old daughter or verbally abuses his wife, or is sleeping with another woman. The first impression of a person who is defined by the manner in which he takes on in the eye of another is not necessarily the person you hope to find. He too changes when you are not looking. And when someone plays upon our emotions, showing us things we would rather not see, it is easy to recognise how easily persuaded we are in one brief moment, or in many regular moments. Life is fickle, because it is inconsistent, much like us. And with many things in life, something like inconsistency can be good and bad all at once.
We are expected to change our bad habits, but we are expected to be consistent and reliable as well. We expect things of others, but do not create the space to give them that opportunity to be that way. We expect life to hand us what we need, but we fail to be proactive about the things we feel we need. The smallest feelings we have, the least said things, cause the world to flutter so harshly. The energy is felt. Hearts are left confused. Our decisions seem null and void. Who we are is jeopardised because we end up confused and what we think we want is enticed by what we feel we want and what someone else expects, or what we once thought versus what we now contemplate. The battle is cyclical. And the escape is not in a swing, a swing now lying rotten in the ground under the childhood tree where the girl gave her heart to Jesus and now gives her heart to Spirituality. Are we not supposed to change our minds in life? And who are you to judge me if I do? And who am I to be upset if you judge me.
The only place to offer any truth in amidst the confusion of these cyclical questions is deep within the self. And all that that is, is acceptance. All the things we tell ourselves we need, these are all thoughts. Thoughts are things the ego entices- do they exist? Can they feed who we are or who we are trying to become. And are we trying to become something other than egoic people because the ego feels this is a boost to the image of the self or an honourable path to follow? How do we define the difference and steer clear of the negative, ego self in this mission of becoming who we are as a Being? And the things which consume our human mind, all the faults we see in ourselves, all the faults others criticise us of that take up so much of our energy, are the things we need to keep from sucking the energy from within us. Our Self needs to remain constantly present in the Present, and away from the mind and the ego’s ideologies. Then we will never doubt others in the first instance. We will never fear allowing ourselves to just be present with them, giving them all the space to just be as they are. In that, we will never doubt ourselves and who we are for ourselves. It means that we will truly be happy with the person we radiate, regardless of the fact that we are imperfect, and thus perfect as far as perfect can truthfully go.

I can change my mind if I want to. I can follow things I once said I will not. I am allowed the space to be unsure and later be sure. If you judge that, you judge yourself. Your problems with me are more likely your problems inside of you. Though I cannot deny that I have faults of my own.
Does the word ‘fuck’ belong to the ego? Or is it something we just say? What value does it have when we can say anything else? When someone dies have they left us forever? Is the person who killed someone in a fitful rage worse than the mother who sleeps around to feed her kids?
Why are you here in my life like this, visiting me and torturing me? I want the space clear, so I can understand these questions I am trying to live. My legs hurt and ache and the pit of my soul is hanging like a black cloud over a dark hill. It makes me feel nauseous. The confusion surges and I know, I am growing and changing. But it is not something anyone can see. Though 10 years from now I will recall this place and the feelings. And I am just like you. I am the mask you wear when you come screaming at me in the midnight hours. When I travel the Euro grounds I may find you in the crowds or on the bus in the Middle-lands somewhere. And when my walking shoes begin to leak and the backpack needs to be chucked, I will laugh. The happiness never leaves you, because you always change your mind and heart about things and it is the most powerful thing in the entire world. And when you remain with the change regardless of what God seems to be saying, or your mother, or your best friend, you know, you are all you can be. When you defend what you know deep inside, that is all that matters. And then the confusion shifts, because it never matters what anyone else believes or says.
I remember picking the swing up, after I had sufficiently rubbed my head and dried my eyes. And I kissed it. “...goodbye” I said, and I remember smiling. Then I lay under that huge tree which is still there today and I dreamt about the frog and its warts and how it would just accept me as the girl who likes to swing high, and play with cars in the sand. And it didn’t matter when a few years later I hated that swing, but loved the tree. It didn’t matter when I realised that the frog was never a frog at all. It didn’t matter when I realised the truth about the adult world, because I still held the childlike mentality. And now, I remember letting go of that swing with soft affection. Light and free, with a simple kiss, “goodbye” and then moving on. So it shall be with all things, a simple kiss and “goodbye” and it is done. The next chapter will begin, until it to must end. And such is life, a book made up of infinite chapters, without an ending. Even in death there is no known end as such.