What am I supposed to say, what am I supposed to feel, what indeed is this feeling that crumbles my insides and kisses my pulsing glands in a rush of physical excitement, what is this I ask, because I cannot fathom it. The depth of it is beyond words, words which in light of all things in life mean nothing at all, because they cannot express what I mean, what I feel and how the world inside my womb-invading space feels. There is a drumming in me, a pattering of convulsions that grip me to this feeling. What is it? What worth does it have to even attempt to articulate, because the place at which it exists is a place no person other than I can see. And I myself cannot even see it. It is an entanglement of feelings, both physical and emotional, it is an absorbency that floats on the energetic shift that had begun to take place, but was interrupted. It is something that is infinite, timeless and incomprehensible. The intensity of it feels like it has no measure and as though it clings from something past, something present and something unknown. It is semi-magic and semi-nightmarish. And I wish so that I could reveal in expression the feeling it is. But I cannot. So what do I have to say, what do I have to do, what do I have to feel- because it is even beyond me. To feel vulnerable, to feel brave, to feel proud, to feel forgiveness, to feel sadness, to feel awed at the truth of it, to feel. The living energy which vibrates through me with this truth, with this shift, with this new life that now lingers in the place of what was really growing, is exceptional and overwhelming. It suffocates me, it makes me bleed dry with resources, it makes me feel desperate.
When I breathe it in, it feels like rain on my skin- cold and at first, uncomfortable. But then I laugh, because it is something so enigmatic, yet translucently so that it stirs an excitable space in my breathing core. It tickles my insides somewhat and makes me gasp. Because there is nothing I can say, there are no words, it harbours no definition. All the pain and the awful attachments of it, as well as all the liberation and new revelations rapture the essence of this thing in something unknown, unworldly and profound. And yet, it is so simple: it was, and now, it is no more. And that is all. More than that, I do not know what to say. The intensity cannot be measured in any light, the images painted in sleeping heads can never be recreated, because in a sense this that IS, is incomprehensibly not of the world we define. There is no definition, no collective form, and no tangible concept. It is like the soul we know exists, but has no real defined, tangible existence. And in that, it is magic, even when it is hurting and breaking, because there is something to be gained from every extreme situation, feeling, and experience. And so, what am I supposed to say.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Monsoon Shower
I sometimes dream about meeting You in the moonlight somewhere. A place where the world is blue and soft and magical. In those dreams there exists no You or Me: just two beings, two forms of energy. Beautiful. I see us, our energies forged by something greater than we can imagine. And the wave of light washing over us in the dark is as clear as the magic moonlight.
Having you near me, sleeping curved into my body or making love to me with complete abandon and no limitations or thoughts, leaves me breathless and blushing. Hopeful in my wake and in my dreams. I know we are beautiful because these moments, that space and the energy are all beautiful. And will remain beautiful.
I feel now, the kisses and the long touching and they are like warm Mediterranean rain drops soaking our skin with refreshing delight after a hot, hard day. Your lips brush mine like palm trees kissing the blue empty sky. More than anything, our energy and passion was and will always be like magic that excites our insides like butterfly wings kissing there, until one cannot breathe and the air around us moves like a warm, anticipating wind that makes us shiver with giddy goosebumps. I am completely thoughtless and safe. The world around ceases to exist and only you, I and this abundance of energy encircles - warm and soft like sunlight, and other times so dark and mystical, sensual and magical like the moon. The dark moments remain a mystery, while the soft, sunshine moments create rain drops of ecstasy from my green-crystal fox eyes. And my soul, is awakened. My world has been and continues to be watered by your energy. And upon touching, I receive a storm and the rain is received like a field of wild flowers receiving its monsoon. I blossom. I am dazzled and revived. Amazed and completely captivated within the ultimate spirituality and magic of one moment into many. And I am alive. Hope and Love.
These moments, these drops of rain on my deserts will live within me for a life time. I may fumble along at times in life, but the magic you bring to my deserts will live forever.
And I realize now that I am ever so grateful for these monsoon storms, this greatness, and your wet, abundant deliverance. I am appreciative of the opportunity to dance naked and free in it, letting the whole world see me as I am.
I will never pass the moment up. I know that every storm is different and that rain is a magical thing BUT one can never expect from it, one can never repeat a previous downfall AND I only know now that I am just so happy and joyous at the revival of my roots, my core, my deepest Love- Love itself.
You shall remain within me- wherever I am. Not as an aching or as lustrous desire, but rather as a thundershower in sunshine. That you give willingly to my earth and that the space around is awakened through my openness to just love.
Thank you for this wet coming of monsoon thundershowers upon my once desert soul. I will love always, always.
Having you near me, sleeping curved into my body or making love to me with complete abandon and no limitations or thoughts, leaves me breathless and blushing. Hopeful in my wake and in my dreams. I know we are beautiful because these moments, that space and the energy are all beautiful. And will remain beautiful.
I feel now, the kisses and the long touching and they are like warm Mediterranean rain drops soaking our skin with refreshing delight after a hot, hard day. Your lips brush mine like palm trees kissing the blue empty sky. More than anything, our energy and passion was and will always be like magic that excites our insides like butterfly wings kissing there, until one cannot breathe and the air around us moves like a warm, anticipating wind that makes us shiver with giddy goosebumps. I am completely thoughtless and safe. The world around ceases to exist and only you, I and this abundance of energy encircles - warm and soft like sunlight, and other times so dark and mystical, sensual and magical like the moon. The dark moments remain a mystery, while the soft, sunshine moments create rain drops of ecstasy from my green-crystal fox eyes. And my soul, is awakened. My world has been and continues to be watered by your energy. And upon touching, I receive a storm and the rain is received like a field of wild flowers receiving its monsoon. I blossom. I am dazzled and revived. Amazed and completely captivated within the ultimate spirituality and magic of one moment into many. And I am alive. Hope and Love.
These moments, these drops of rain on my deserts will live within me for a life time. I may fumble along at times in life, but the magic you bring to my deserts will live forever.
And I realize now that I am ever so grateful for these monsoon storms, this greatness, and your wet, abundant deliverance. I am appreciative of the opportunity to dance naked and free in it, letting the whole world see me as I am.
I will never pass the moment up. I know that every storm is different and that rain is a magical thing BUT one can never expect from it, one can never repeat a previous downfall AND I only know now that I am just so happy and joyous at the revival of my roots, my core, my deepest Love- Love itself.
You shall remain within me- wherever I am. Not as an aching or as lustrous desire, but rather as a thundershower in sunshine. That you give willingly to my earth and that the space around is awakened through my openness to just love.
Thank you for this wet coming of monsoon thundershowers upon my once desert soul. I will love always, always.
Saturday, 6 June 2009
Naked raindrop
I sometimes think that it might be best to not know or question what might potentially be or not be. When we spend our minutes pondering what is happening in that part of the universe which we cannot see, we seem to be pondering things which we ultimately have no idea about. Or do we?
Today I climbed out of the window in my room and sat in the cold rain on the roof outside my window. The rain drops were falling slowly. Beautiful in mid-air only to end up as one tiny wet spot upon a surface. What started out as something magical ends up on a piece of cement for a brief while- only to dry up in a few minutes. The rain drop holds so many variations of beautiful canopied light fragments that I wish it would last a little longer in the mid-air decent so that I could stare at its wondrous beauty. But it will never just pause in mid-air.
As the cold rippled across my skin in a goosy-bump ricochet of darkness I let my mind drift aimlessly to things which can only exist in mind and I pondered whether I was wasting my time and energy on these things. What is hope? What is faith and trust? What are these elements which seem so fundamental to the existence of the human soul and heart. Do they exist on any level at all, or is it in an idea that they seemingly exist? Because what is one man’s truth is another’s lie and so it is with hope and faith and any of these qualities we have in life.
I decided that answers to questions which do not have answers need to be addressed with the same mind set as a 6 year old. Everything is seen in an innocently different light and there is no reason or need to have an answer at all, but to simply accept that it is this way- unknown or answerless. And that we do not need to know the point or purpose of something. We simply need to exist and exist in an equilibrium that is suitable to who we are. And as we change and grow, that equilibrium will shift with us. But we do not need to define the elements in that equilibrium, it just has to feel right- from the gut. So we do not need to think so much about all the things that have no purpose for thought. It is like feeling our way to the bathroom in the darkness of the night- we do not need a light, we simply have to feel the way. Is that not what it is to love and be close to someone- to simply feel the way, trust the gut and instinct. Some would label this faith. And having the ability to trust oneself.
So I stopped thinking about the cold, as I sat on the roof top. I felt the desperate urge to undress myself in that moment, and be naked with the cold raindrops on my milky skin. And to not think about it being cold, but to simply just feel what it feels like against the skin- as a drop of water from above splashing onto my skin, then trickling downwards, creating a path along my smooth flesh. The process of thought plays a role in the need for a conscious awareness of the consequences of our actions, which ultimately affects our decision to do or not to do. Undressing in the cold, may mean that my body will suffer for the worse and I may get sick. Yet at the same time, my body may be strong enough to handle the few minutes of coldness. But when we are talking about actions bigger than simply undressing in the rain, it is imperative that we invest in the intellectual ability to think and be with our thoughts.
Thoughts also seem to be a form of articulating what we mean in relation to what we feel. If something is important to us, we want to know why it is so and we want to express this importance in the most coherent way so that we can share and influence other people. Thus, being present with our thoughts is extremely important. In an essence the one guides the other.
To remain thoughtless at all times would be like a raindrop without its light. It would be bland and empty and have little attraction. It would be naked. To transcend to a state of thoughtlessness but to elevate to a state of complete feeling and enlightenment is what the ultimate goal is. It implies we control the rage of thoughts which drive in and out of our minds. It is like the raindrop which would be able to control the type of light and refraction which passes through it and remains within it. It is the ultimate force.
I sat on the roof for a long time. The street was so noisy it was hard to numb the sound of the passing traffic. Eventually I switched the screen behind my closed eyes and discovered the ocean above which I was flying. I feel the warm air riding above the ocean with me. I never know which way the air is going, but it feels like the spirals are moving around me as opposed to with me. My fingers are spread and there is a buzz weaving between them and around them. My soul feels as though it has left my body behind. I am dancing somewhere else now.
And that is all I can say to describe the ultimate space into which I entered for a short space of time. Because the feeling was explosive, euphoric and liberating. It felt like I was lost in a time 10 000 years ago, before the human civilisations even existed. There was the energy of the leaves and sands present and a feeling of the unknown as being a part of me. My pulse locked into slow motion. And all became still. And there I sat for a long while, with coloured-lighted raindrops splashing on my face, as though they were pierced jewels used to decorate my cheeks and forehead. And the world in which my physical being sat, was different to the world my spirit was in. Sublimity. An adorned raindrop light-years and dimensions away. Beautiful.
Today I climbed out of the window in my room and sat in the cold rain on the roof outside my window. The rain drops were falling slowly. Beautiful in mid-air only to end up as one tiny wet spot upon a surface. What started out as something magical ends up on a piece of cement for a brief while- only to dry up in a few minutes. The rain drop holds so many variations of beautiful canopied light fragments that I wish it would last a little longer in the mid-air decent so that I could stare at its wondrous beauty. But it will never just pause in mid-air.
As the cold rippled across my skin in a goosy-bump ricochet of darkness I let my mind drift aimlessly to things which can only exist in mind and I pondered whether I was wasting my time and energy on these things. What is hope? What is faith and trust? What are these elements which seem so fundamental to the existence of the human soul and heart. Do they exist on any level at all, or is it in an idea that they seemingly exist? Because what is one man’s truth is another’s lie and so it is with hope and faith and any of these qualities we have in life.
I decided that answers to questions which do not have answers need to be addressed with the same mind set as a 6 year old. Everything is seen in an innocently different light and there is no reason or need to have an answer at all, but to simply accept that it is this way- unknown or answerless. And that we do not need to know the point or purpose of something. We simply need to exist and exist in an equilibrium that is suitable to who we are. And as we change and grow, that equilibrium will shift with us. But we do not need to define the elements in that equilibrium, it just has to feel right- from the gut. So we do not need to think so much about all the things that have no purpose for thought. It is like feeling our way to the bathroom in the darkness of the night- we do not need a light, we simply have to feel the way. Is that not what it is to love and be close to someone- to simply feel the way, trust the gut and instinct. Some would label this faith. And having the ability to trust oneself.
So I stopped thinking about the cold, as I sat on the roof top. I felt the desperate urge to undress myself in that moment, and be naked with the cold raindrops on my milky skin. And to not think about it being cold, but to simply just feel what it feels like against the skin- as a drop of water from above splashing onto my skin, then trickling downwards, creating a path along my smooth flesh. The process of thought plays a role in the need for a conscious awareness of the consequences of our actions, which ultimately affects our decision to do or not to do. Undressing in the cold, may mean that my body will suffer for the worse and I may get sick. Yet at the same time, my body may be strong enough to handle the few minutes of coldness. But when we are talking about actions bigger than simply undressing in the rain, it is imperative that we invest in the intellectual ability to think and be with our thoughts.
Thoughts also seem to be a form of articulating what we mean in relation to what we feel. If something is important to us, we want to know why it is so and we want to express this importance in the most coherent way so that we can share and influence other people. Thus, being present with our thoughts is extremely important. In an essence the one guides the other.
To remain thoughtless at all times would be like a raindrop without its light. It would be bland and empty and have little attraction. It would be naked. To transcend to a state of thoughtlessness but to elevate to a state of complete feeling and enlightenment is what the ultimate goal is. It implies we control the rage of thoughts which drive in and out of our minds. It is like the raindrop which would be able to control the type of light and refraction which passes through it and remains within it. It is the ultimate force.
I sat on the roof for a long time. The street was so noisy it was hard to numb the sound of the passing traffic. Eventually I switched the screen behind my closed eyes and discovered the ocean above which I was flying. I feel the warm air riding above the ocean with me. I never know which way the air is going, but it feels like the spirals are moving around me as opposed to with me. My fingers are spread and there is a buzz weaving between them and around them. My soul feels as though it has left my body behind. I am dancing somewhere else now.
And that is all I can say to describe the ultimate space into which I entered for a short space of time. Because the feeling was explosive, euphoric and liberating. It felt like I was lost in a time 10 000 years ago, before the human civilisations even existed. There was the energy of the leaves and sands present and a feeling of the unknown as being a part of me. My pulse locked into slow motion. And all became still. And there I sat for a long while, with coloured-lighted raindrops splashing on my face, as though they were pierced jewels used to decorate my cheeks and forehead. And the world in which my physical being sat, was different to the world my spirit was in. Sublimity. An adorned raindrop light-years and dimensions away. Beautiful.
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